The Inebriated Press

ATLANTA - The Georgia Emergency Management Agency will broadcast Y2K updates beginning New Year's Eve. GEMA will use the statewide radio network operated by the National Weather Service to provide listeners with news on the impact of the Y2K bug. Many people are concerned that power outages, communications system failures and other problems may occur if computers interpret the digits "00" as 1900 instead of 2000.

If there are no major failures like officials expect, people still need to know that "nothing important broke today," said GEMA spokesman Buzz Weissper.

"The absence of news can be misconstrued," he said. Regular updates "can provide a certain level of public confidence (and) comfort. Or we could start the panic early. If the radio stations have malfunctions, some people may assume the world's ending."

Weiss said GEMA will be able to reach many homes through the NOAA Weather Radio system, which broadcasts statewide to homes that have weather radios.

If something does go wrong, the network can be used to quickly alert people who may be at risk, he said. "But our major concern is how to handle failure forecasts. Do we say, for example, tomorrow there's a 50% chance of scattered power failures and day after tomorrow there's a 90% chance of widespread panic?" Weissper said. "We're breaking new ground here---so these forecasts will be tough."

 Macon group proposes fines for City Hall fighting

MACON - In the wake of Houston County school board actions to penalize middle and high school students who use their fists instead of their heads to settle differences, a citizens group in Macon is proposing a similar law to penalize city council members and mayors for using their tongues instead of their heads in City Hall.

The proposed law would allow citizens to report city officials who fight or bicker to law enforcement. Officers will write citations that will result in a $50 fine for the first affray and $100 for a second.

The policy change is designed to "make council members count to ten first or maybe just keep their mouths shut," group leader Rodney King said. "Can't we all just get along?"

Police Chief John Vasquez criticized the proposal citing a shortage of resources. "We can't post a dozen officers down here every time council or committees meet. We just don't have the manpower to enforce this."

King offered other reasons to support the new law. "We could actually balance the budget AND give tax cuts with all this fine revenue. It would be a real windfall for the city budget. It would give them more money to fight over if we don't give tax cuts," King said. "We think many on council would gladly pay for the privilege of bickering in front of cameras."

"They may be childish but they're not stupid," said one anonymous critic. "They'll start passing dirty notes and using hand gestures which aren't covered in the proposed ordinance."

EATONTON - Members of the Moorish United Nuwaubian Nation of Yaks (MUNNY) appealed denied permits to the Putnam County Planning and Zoning Commission but left empty-handed, except for their torches and machine guns.

The Nuwaubians, through their agent , F. Lee Baker, were requesting permits for two existing buildings, a new skating rink, a new gambling casino, a new Lowes Super Store, a fence and a facade for three buildings and a picnic area.

According to an Oct. 4 letter from building inspector Adams to Baker, one of the completed structures - originally permitted as a storage building but used as the Rameses Dance Club and now referred to by the Nuwaubians as a hunting lodge - is subject to a court order and cannot be issued a permit. The second completed building - a brown pyramid originally permitted as a barbque pit and now referred to by the Nuwaubians as their church -- lacked some information needed for the permit as of the date of the letter. Baker said that information now has been provided. "It's gas, not charcoal," Baker said.

Adams denied permits for the proposed skating rink and building facades because those uses are not allowed in areas zoned for agriculture. "Skating is very upsetting to dairy cows," Adams said. He denied a permit for the fence because they didn't dot the "I" on page 2.

With other items still on the agenda, commissioners stopped the debate.

Mayor-elect Jack Ellis dropped the first hints Saturday morning as to who will hold the highest position in his administration. "It will be the guy who takes the 3rd floor office," Ellis said. "He'll be higher than anyone else in city hall."

At a breakfast meeting, Ellis told several members of the City Council that he will announce on Nov. 15 Macon's new chief administrative officer - the appointed head of city operations. Ellis made assurances that the new officer is highly qualified. "I did not find this guy hanging out on Broadway passing a bottle of Midnight Express."

Though still somewhat secretive about the identity of the future CAO, Ellis said the man has worked within the governments of several cities over the past 22 years. Positions held include deputy CAO and burger-flipper at Krystal. The appointee, originally from Alabama, holds a master's degree in public administration, Ellis said. "And the neat thing is, the diploma he holds actually has his name printed on it."

"I won't narrow it down any more for you. I will tell you that he's NOT a Republican, it's not Buck Melton and it's not Forest Gump. That's all I have to say about that," Ellis said.

Macon's ethnic divide manifested itself again Tuesday when black and white voters cast ballots along racial lines in a general election that finished giving African Americans complete control of city government.

Election results also reaffirmed that the overwhelming majority of African-American voters continue to shy away from the Republican Party, despite GOP efforts to reach out to the black community.

"Shy away? Blacks avoid the GOP like Typhoid Mary," said Bernard D. "Bud" Fletcher, elections supervisor for the Macon-Bibb County Board of Elections. "But that might change if more people realized that GOP does not stand for Grouchy Old Politicians. Maybe they should change the name to the GYP for Gorgeous Young Partiers."

Despite Tuesday's setbacks, Republicans said they'll continue working to elect GOP candidates.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins